Love in the Shadow of an Oak Tree
by xxoscillations-of-deathxx
Summary: Kid Rock wakes up one morning and decides that he needs to go about making his name internationally.
1. Chapter 1

Love in the Shadow of an Oak Tree: a Love Story

Chapter 1

One day Kid Rock was at home by himself and he was wandering around his house nonchalantly singing Bawitdaba because it was one of his hit singles and he was and always will be extremely proud of it. The sun rippled across his mighty torso through the bathroom window as he got into the shower and started to shower himself down, he'd had a long day and was quite sweaty. When he finished singing Bawitdaba he decided to sing Only God Knows Why instead so he sang that too, in his manly croon. The birds flocked from far and wide to perch on the windowsill and listen: this was something they always delighted in doing and no matter how many times Kid Rock sang in the shower, they would always come back, enchanted, for more. As they perched and listened the sun went down (it takes Kid Rock a long time to shower because he has a mighty torso which needs a lot of work) and they soon dozed off. Kid Rock took this as his cue to leave the bathroom with the knowledge of a job well done and moved to the downstairs front room in order to compose some more music in the hope of becoming an even more famous celebrity. Fame was what he craved but he was also a good man and a man who wished to help change the world for the better.

The following morning Kid Rock woke up after a beautiful dream in which he sang at a concert so big that half of the world came to and everyone clapped and cheered and the girls shouted "we love you Kid Rock" because they loved him. However, for Kid Rock this was not quite enough. Kid Rock loved the dream and thrived on the sophistication that came with his new celebrity lifestyle but he always desired a little bit more and he had new realms to conquer and make love him. For a start, he wasn't sure if anyone in Africa had heard of his music so he decided to get on a plane to Africa and go and sing to the people and provide them with his beautiful voice. His tones would carry wonderfully in Africa as there the plains were flat and deserted and there were no great towerblocks to block the wavelength of his intonations. He sang one last time to the birds outside his window who had told their friends of his departure, who told their friends, who passed on the message to yet more birds. The birds flocked in from further and wider than ever before, with even an albatross making the long trip to listen to Kid Rock's last performance before his trip to Africa. He sang and he sang and they shed tears of unhappiness that this would be the last time they would hear him sing before he returned.

He left the house after pulling on a tight fitting shirt to emphasise his abs and took one guitar and one microphone as well as a bag of clothes and money so that he could solve poverty when he got to Africa and set off for the airport. He boarded the first plane to Africa and waved goodbye to his home as the plane took off. It was a beautiful sight seeing all the birds following the plane as far as they could, in the same way one might chase a beloved one down the platform (the beloved one is on a train), but eventually they could chase no more and fell behind as the plane set off into the misty sunset. Kid Rock was in Business at first but then he encountered an orphan on the plane and he felt sorry for it so he took the orphan's place in Economy after singing Cowboy to him to cheer him up. In Economy class he could not put his feet up and barely had room to manoeuvre his bulging muscly forearms, so the sacrifice was quite a big one, relatively speaking, but a noble one nonetheless. When after many hours of travelling and more than one bag of vomit the plane touched down in Africa, Kid Rock was the first one off the plane, such was his excitement!

He kissed the ground and then sprinted off to his hotel room where he ripped off his tight fitting shirt so that the beating African sun could shine all over every inch of his torso and decided that never again would be consider wearing a shirt on African soil. He needed to find somewhere to launch his dazzling new career but also wanted to continue doing good for the people of the world and in particular the people of Africa, so that they would love him for a multitude of reasons. Kid Rock went to the local tourist office and asked them where in Africa was a good place to showcase a fantastic musical talent such as his own. At first they were sceptical about whether he was actually all that good because they had not heard of Kid Rock before, but after he sang to them his song American Bad Ass they were more than just convinced: they were his number 1 African fans. Even if they were his only African fans, they made a blood pact to always be number 1 and never let anyone else overtake them, so they gave up their jobs just like that and became his groupies. They hired a massive coach and got lots of sexy women in to provide whatever service he required.

But Kid Rock wanted more. He wanted to go and get on with his quest immediately so he only had time for a bit of time with the ladies before they were on their way to the best location for a stage in all of the country of Africa – the SAHARA DESSERT. The idea was to set up a massive stage here and then the sound would carry over every sand dune in the dessert as well as past all the oases and mirages and cacti. They arrived there pretty quickly, stopping on the way to solve poverty in several large areas by giving lots of money to the populace which meant they were no longer poor and could afford access to the proper healthcare that the evil African regime had denied them for so long because they did not have enough money. The people whooped and cheered and said that Kid Rock was the greatest ever... no... the second greatest ever.

"WHAT?" cried Kid Rock, "you mean there is one greater?" cried Kid Rock with disbelief flowing from his sweaty brow like a waterfall in late winter as the ice melts and cascades towards the precipice.

"Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "yes there is one greater, he passed here not three days hence."

"But" said Kid Rock "did I not solve your poverty?"

Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."

"But" said Kid Rock "did I not provide you with great singing?"

Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."

"But" said Kid Rock "did I not allow you to marvel at my mighty torso?"

Yes" said the villagers and townspeople "but still, there is one greater."

"Who is this man who must be a giant amongst men?" cried Kid Rock with his anger proportionate to his really big biceps!

"He passed here not three days hence" repeated the assorted Africans "and if you hurry you might be able to catch him for he planned to stop multiple times on his way and so you can travel faster than him and overtake him if and only if you are quick."

Kid Rock pondered this for only a second before coming to a snap conclusion – he would run like the wind in March and then catch up with this wondrous individual. He was unsure what his plan was when he found this man, but perhaps he would ask him to sing a duet or to compete with him in a sunbathing competition or maybe even ask him to go and solve poverty in Asia, a far bigger place than Africa. Then and only then would it be clear who the greater person was, and Kid Rock, whilst being far from an arrogant man was pretty sure that it was he and that he would win victorious in this challenge. He wished the townspeople of Africa a fond farewell and pushed the coach to one side – it would only hinder him now. He put on some new trainers and then ran round the village seven times for good luck before running swiftly in the direction the villagers had pointed him.

As he ran on and on he began to notice footsteps in the dessert sand, footsteps which indicated the recent presence of another presence. He followed these footsteps expertly, using the tracking skills he was now glad he had learnt as a boy. Kid Rock ran on and on and on and on, never stopping to draw breath, only slowing down very slightly to get food and eat it, and when he needed to pee he peed in the same direction as the wind, so that it flew majestically away from him rather than embarrassingly into his face. He never once stopped to check the time and the hours and days flew past as night turned into day and day into night, but still, Kid Rock never ceased, never tired, never stopped. Eventually he thought he could maybe see someone far over the horizon, further away than the eye could see, but there nevertheless. He was aware that this shadowy figure was aware of him following and so he stopped and slowed to a walking pace, but a brisk walking pace, and continued to track this great man.

He strolled on and on, never losing sight of the man on the other side of the horizon but also never quite catching him either. Eventually though, he did make up the distance enough to say "ah, I have now got to a distance from which I can shout a challenge to this man" and shout a challenge he did. "HELLO MYSTERIOUS STRANGER" Kid Rock yelled against the wind, but his words, strong and virtuous as they were, flew straight and true into the stranger's ear canal and the stranger stopped and paused and turned around before replying back "HELLO KID ROCK".

"HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME" bellowed Kid Rock in reply "NO ONE IN AFRICA KNOWS MY NAME YET."

"I AM NOT AFRICAN" yelled the mysterious individual in response "I AM ENGLISH AND I HAVE HEARD OF YOUR MUSIC AND YOUR FAME."

"ENGLISH!" shouted Kid Rock, not allowing the fact that he was impressed to show in his voice particularly "I AM IMPRESSED!"

"WAIT HOLD ON JUST THERE I'LL COME TO YOU" bellowed the stranger and sure enough, true to his word, he came over to where Kid Rock was "do you recognise me" he asked in lower case this time as he no longer needed to shout.

"NO I DO NOT" said Kid Rock who had not yet adjusted to the new shorter distance between the two.

"That is because I am yet to become famous in your shores" said the stranger and unveiled himself, a tousled mop of brown hair flopping charmingly over a slightly rotund left temple "that's right, you guessed it, I'm David Mitchell" he said with a flourish of his upper lip.

Kid Rock was taken aback; he had heard tales of David Mitchell; but was not sure he existed; he thought that they were just that; tales.

However as he gazed into the brown smiling eyes of this face and looked at that nose, polite and at the same time majestic he realised something he had not felt in a long time, not in fact since he first sang alongside Twisted Brown Tucker, and even now in a different way. True love. They moved out of the beating sunlight as it was playing havoc with David Mitchell's pale skin and sat together in the shadow of a nearby oak tree. They swapped tales of why they were in Africa. Kid Rock told David Mitchell that he was there to spread his musical talent far and wide and also to help solve poverty, and David Mitchell said he was there to cheer people up with his wisecracks and also to help save the mountain gorilla. He told Kid Rock that only a week before he had passed through the same village as Kid Rock and seen the poverty and the stricken townspeople of Africa and thought to himself "these people have an awfully glum life, I must lighten up their misery slightly" and he told Kid Rock the joke he had told the townspeople and Kid Rock roared with laughter so loud that a nearby cliff face collapsed.

They got on like a house on fire, except without the smouldering wreckage and talked for many days and many nights and forgot to eat, such was their friendly friendship with one another. David Mitchell told Kid Rock about his best friend Robert Webb and Kid Rock responded with stories of his friend Twisted Brown Tucker and they made a pinky promise to visit each other when they were back in America and England, for they were to become firm friends.

They trudged out of the dessert together arm in arm and told the African villagers that there was no greater between the two of them – they were equals and would never squabble again about who was the greater man, and the Africans cheered and clapped and laid on a fine banquet so they feasted together as the sun went down one final time, before they hopped on planes back to their more civilised homes and looked forward to the day they'd meet again. Tbc.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

It turned out that the end of the previous chapter was not the end after all as soon after Kid Rock returned home now being the most popular musician in the world because he'd conquered Africa he received a phone call from his new friend David Mitchell. "Hi Kid Rock, my old pal, I'm going to be in America soon because I'm doing some public relations stuff but is it okay if I stay at yours?" asked David Mitchell? Kid Rock did not need to think about this for very long "Yes." he exclaimed passionately, and then they said goodbye and Kid Rock began to prepare for his friend's arrival excitedly. He went for a shower and the water glistened off his back as it splashed all over him, and he sung a brand new song that he had written on the flight home called David and Me. The birds flew in from as far afield as Alaska to listen.

The very next day Kid Rock woke up at the crack of dawn and stretched out, with his hair flowing beautifully over his chest. He shook himself and his hair flew back over his shoulders as he stood up to fall down beside his back. He knew that his friend would arrive in a few hours so he stormed into the kitchen and roasted a boar for his breakfast before finishing it off in three mighty bites. He needed to get his strength up in order to help David Mitchell on his publicity tour. Only weeks and months ago Kid Rock would have sneered at the possibility of helping another celebrity achieve fame: he only wanted his own fame and to help ordinary people become happier through the medium of great music and looking swell. But now that he had a true friend who he loved like his brother or son he had undergone a remarkable change and a change that shocked him slightly but in a good way every time he thought about it.

He sung his new song once more as he wanted to perfect it for when David Mitchell arrived, but he knew it was perfect anyway. He smashed a guitar over the head of a nearby servant to get rid of some of the overriding testosterone that had built up dramatically over the last hour since he woke. Then he settled down to wait.

Meanwhile on the other side of the world, David Mitchell had nearly arrived in his personal jet. He was a passenger on his jet but also the pilot so he dodged a few missiles calmly, did a figure of eight and then cruised in to land at the airport. He made a perfect landing and then strode across the tarmac where a horde of fans stood waiting. David Mitchell told a very funny joke and the girls swooned and the men questioned themselves. He then signed several autographs, mostly on people's forearms in lipstick and then got in his Ferrari and started to drive towards Kid Rock's house. He drove on and on, through field and thicket, racing down the freeways at breakneck speeds. He missed his friend Robert Webb already but Robert Webb had a new show whilst David Mitchell was away to occupy himself with and they had promised each other to stop appearing on panel shows and record another series of Peep Show as soon as David Mitchell returned.

It was not very long before he arrived and he rapped on the front door of Kid Rock's house with a thunderous knock, heard for miles around. It is said that even the thunder and lightning hid that day after they heard his thunderous knock. Kid Rock flew from his seat on the sofa and opened the door and the two old and dear friends embraced and said "oh, my friend, it has been far too long even though it has been a mere two weeks it felt like an eternity" they truly were the best of friends. They sat and they talked about things and they swapped humorous anecdotes about their time away from each other and they laughed and cried at the emotional tales each one had to relate. As the time ticked by they did not notice the menacing figure watching through the window, but soon evening fell and Kid Rock rose from his seat to approach the window with the aim of closing the curtains. As soon as he turned towards the window the reprehensible person turned and fled, his cape sweeping over his shoulder with a swish and a flick. He escaped before even the eagle eyes of Kid Rock could make him out, and unfortunately David Mitchell had been looking in the other direction. Kid Rock drew the curtains to a close and began to move towards the kitchen when David Mitchell rose from his seat, lay a soft manicured hand lightly on his shoulder and said "no, let us get take out" to which Kid Rock replied "yes, OK, Indian or Chinese?"

They agreed immediately: Chinese, and leapt into one another's arms with excitement at the fact that they had agreed so readily – even Robert Webb and Twisted Brown Tucker had always preferred Indian. Kid Rock took from the drawer of a nearby cabinet several leaflets and dusted them off, handing one to David Mitchell and perusing his own thoughtfully. Whilst they were similar in that they both liked Chinese food, there was also an agreeable degree of difference, perfect for a proper friendship and Kid Rock chose Szechuan beef noodles and egg fried rice whereas David Mitchell opted for the Peking duck with special fried rice. They rang up the takeout people who were overjoyed to have such a call from so distinguished a pair of guests and promptly wrote the day down on the calendar. As they waited Kid Rock stood in front of David Mitchell, his thighs not quivering at all, such was his confidence and said "my old and true chum, I have penned a song in our honour" and he then began to belt out a rendition of David and Me so sweet, so moving and so heartfelt that not only did the birds gather outside to listen, but the flowers and trees turned their heads in the direction of Kid Rock's mansion and wished fervently that they could grow legs to go and have a closer listen. David Mitchell was enraptured and said "I am enraptured, that was quite possibly the most beautiful song I have heard in all my days, and I have been to every Royal Variety Show since 1974." Kid Rock was taken aback, and this was not something that often happened – he was used to compliments and adoration for his voice and his pitch perfectness but a compliment so obviously meant from a great friend and worthy critic was hard to come by even for him. A single glistening tear rose in the right hand corner of his eyes and he sniffed and sobbed "I am so pleased you liked it, I was kept up all night plagued by thoughts saying you might not".

David Mitchell put his arm around Kid Rock and they gazed into each other's beautiful eyes and sighed deeply and contentedly when suddenly there was a knock at the door. It was the Chinese takeout!

Silently they walked to the front door to pay for their food and gathered round the table to eat it by candlelight. For the first time since he was very little, Kid Rock had a friend who was properly interested in him for who he was rather than for the name on the front of his albums and vice versa David Mitchell was exactly the same except with DVDs. They ate deep into the night and drank fine wine and Scotch whiskeys aplenty. Kid Rock put on one of his best albums "The Best of Kid Rock" and David Mitchell showed him Season 2 of Peep Show, which Kid Rock declared to be the greatest modern classic in cinematography, even surpassing his own Live DVDs. Eventually it was too late to continue the festivities and they settled down to sleep. Kid Rock showed David Mitchell to his bedroom and wished him a good night and then went to his own.

They slept long and snored loudly and awoke to birdsong the following morning. Kid Rock woke first and roasted them a boar each, this time with fried eggs and laid out the meal on the table. Minutes later David Mitchell made his way downstairs, yawning a ferocious yawn that would have sent the kingliest lion packing in fear. Kid Rock however was unfazed, not because his strength was triple that of the strongest lion, but because he had utmost trust in his friend. They ate the food quickly, gulping down Sunny D and then planned their day.

A few hours later, having raced to their location in Kid Rock's Mercedes-Benz, they sat by a river in the countryside fishing. Kid Rock caught a barracuda and David Mitchell landed three pike. They roasted them on an open flame and ate them whole, heads and all, before then lying back side by side and snoozing gently, completely comfortable with each other, unaware of the presence that lay dormant under the surface of the water, watching them through an elaborate seeing-glass.

Fortunately, before this malevolent being could perform any overtly evil act upon the two an otter ran across Kid Rock's mighty torso, waking him from his slumber, and the shadowy figure submerged itself completely before swimming away swiftly. Again, Kid Rock and David Mitchell were entirely unaware of his ever having been there. Kid Rock said "David Mitchell, was that you tickling me?" and David Mitchell, who was still nearly all asleep said "no Kid Rock, it was not me, what are you talking about?"

"Oh you tease" said Kid Rock and slapped his friend's thigh playfully. David Mitchell rose and put his hand to his thigh and his other hand to Kid Rock's shoulder whilst stroking his chin thoughtfully and then began to lightly caress Kid Rock's firm shoulder. Tingles went all down Kid Rock's spine and he got butterflies in his stomach, a feeling he had not had for nigh on twenty years. He responded by rolling over to face David Mitchell and laid his huge forearm over his hairless chest. Whilst Kid Rock's body was bronzed and tanned like a Greek hero, David Mitchell's was in contrast a beautiful ivory – like freshly laid snow, or the innards of a white peach. This only served to heighten Kid Rock's excitement and he traced the outline of David Mitchell's well defined six-pack with one forefinger. This gentle touch caused David Mitchell to moan sensuously and he moved his arm from his chin and placed it round the back of Kid Rock's neck, feeling his hair brush smoothly aside before cascading over the other side of his pale elbow.

The two were soon wrapped up arm in arm and could feel each other's breath on their faces. Kid Rock's long straggly locks were intertwined with David Mitchell's tousled brown mop. The two breathed nervously, their hearts pounding, unable to cope completely with the realisation of what was about to happen. Who could have thought it, two such manly rogues, usually assaulted by eager women as they walked down the street, with Kid Rock's mighty torso rubbed by strangers and David Mitchell's peachy bum pinched by all and sundry, now betwixt themselves with emotion and love for one another.

Slowly but surely their lips came to meet and the kiss itself stopped time and sunlight – a beautiful eclipse taking place behind them as they locked themselves together and all around freezing and watching transfixed. Despite the surprise of it all neither found it particularly shocking that they'd fallen completely head over heels for one another in so short a period of time. Now Kid Rock rolled atop David Mitchell and his heart beat quickened yet faster as his hands fell from David Mitchell's chiselled cheekbones and began to rove all round his body. At the same time, David Mitchell realised that this was a sign that he also had license to explore and explore he did. Down to Kid Rock's thighs, over to his lower chest, around his hipbones and finally his breath caught up with him completely as he rested one hand just inside the belt of Kid Rock's jeans and looked up to catch eye contact with his lover. At the same time Kid Rock's hands came to rest in the same place on David Mitchell's body.

Without a single word needed they kissed again, a kiss even longer and more passionate than the last, and the grass shone greener and the sky yet bluer than ever before. Finally, after what seemed an eternity, David Mitchell slipped his hand inside Kid Rock's boxers, to discover an erection so stiff and majestic that it made Nelson's Column look limp, and he wrapped his hand around it as it throbbed with anticipation. As he felt David Mitchell's cold hand clamp around him, Kid Rock let out a satisfied sigh and he too slid his hand down to meet his friend's waiting boner. Before anything else happened the two waited and looked once more deep into each other's eyes, and without the need for any further dialogue understood immediately what was needed. They both stroked up and down until they could bear it no longer and removed their garments completely. They lay naked before each other in all their splendour by the river, and disregarded the original intention of their trip entirely: their fishing rods lay unloved and uncherished, as other rods were taking up the attention of the day.

Kid Rock knelt before his lover and took his member in hand, caressing it from base to tip, taking special care to rub all his way around the crown. David Mitchell threw his head back and roared with delight before beating his chest and finally grabbing Kid Rock's head and forcing his penis right down to the very back of his throat. Kid Rock forced his way towards the base of David Mitchell's cock, as it slid down the back of his neck, pushing his uvula backwards until he could no longer even form any kind of gargled mangled speech and instead spluttered, spraying saliva all over the throbbing member he held so beloved within his mouth. Soon he lost the ability to breathe and so pushed the cock out before taking in an almighty breath and got to work with his tongue, exploring every wrinkle, licking off all the saliva and making David Mitchell moan with pleasure. He took a handful of Kid Rock's hair in his fist and yanked it back, causing his lover more pleasure than pain, and causing Kid Rock to jerk his head upwards with David Mitchell's penis still in his mouth being licked, and the sudden movement caused him to let loose a little phlegm which completely covered the dick.

David Mitchell looked down at his mucus-covered penis and felt revenge was necessary. He flipped Kid Rock over with one quick flick and began promptly to penetrate his anal cavity. Watching his penis enter and fall back out of Kid Rock's arse reminded him of watching the metal bits attached to the wheels of an old steam train going back and forth, such was the mechanical nature of the act. Yet, despite that mechanical nature, it was also the most natural thing in the world for both men and they writhed and contorted themselves in orgasmic bliss. The tip of David Mitchell's fleshy sword scraped again and again against Kid Rock's G-spot causing him unquantifiable pleasure, and the feeling of entering so small and so beautiful a crack with his gigantic cock was possibly the best thing David Mitchell had ever encountered in his life. They stayed this way, locked together, cock to ass, thrusting in and out, for twenty long minutes before finally, David Mitchell came to orgasm, and shot warm white semen deep within Kid Rock. The slushing noise was heard for miles around, but no one could quite work out what it was. Apart, of course, from Kid Rock and David Mitchell. The two fell, exhausted, into one another's arms and as they lay down to sleep David Mitchell whispered into Kid Rock's ear "next time you can enter me" and with such a promise Kid Rock also came to orgasm, shooting a silvery trail all over the grass, as if some form of giant snail had made its way past recently. The load was colossal, but then again, so was Kid Rock's scrotum.

Hours later, the two woke up, encrusted in each other's man juice, and happier than they'd ever been. Without changing they made their way home, such was their pride at being covered in the other's discharge. As they approached their home (for David Mitchell had now decided to make the move permanent) and they came over the hill towards Kid Rock's mansion, a horrific sight greeted their eyes...


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

The car stopped at the top of the hill as Kid Rock and David Mitchell stared down into the valley at what had previously been their home. Someone had committed arson! A plume of smoke rose from it, drifting off far into the distance. Who could have done such a thing? Everyone loved Kid Rock and David Mitchell; in fact since their exploits by the river they were ranked the #1 celebrity couple by TIME magazine. It just made no sense... no sense at all...

Kid Rock drew a gun from his belt and they inched the car slowly towards the house. David Mitchell was dual wielding machetes. As they moved down the hill they began to become aware of the full extent of the destruction. From the shape of the smoke plume it was clear that someone had searched the house and then when they hadn't found what they wanted set fire to it to hide all trace that they were there. Kid Rock had a think. Could they maybe have been looking for the sheet music to David and Me? It was possible, but as far as he knew only the birds, David Mitchell and himself had any idea that the song existed, and his friend had only known for a single night. What else could they possibly want from him? Suddenly he noticed that David Mitchell was looking quite guilty and he turned to him and he said "babe, do you know what they were looking for?"

David Mitchell looked back at him and said, slowly, "yes, I think so. I think they wanted this" and out of the glove compartment on the car he took a dossier of information. "What does that dossier contain?" asked Kid Rock inquisitively?

His friend turned back to him and said "it's about the next series of Peep Show, I always keep it on me so that people can't steal it and make Peep Show for themselves. It also doubles as a diary so that I can document amusing situations to recycle for the show" then he burst into tears. Kid Rock reached over and put a bare arm around David Mitchell and said "do not cry".

David Mitchell's tears dried up and he sniffed and looked into Kid Rock's beautiful doe like eyes and said to him "I'm so sorry that your house got burned down because of this" but Kid Rock waved this aside and told his friend that they would go to his other house which was larger and more magnificent anyway, but that first they would search the burned mansion for clues. Kid Rock donned a deerstalker hat and drove on, and David Mitchell took a deep breath and prepared to help.

They parked at the end of the drive and walked to the house and tried to get in the front door but it wouldn't budge and the lock had melted, so Kid Rock did a roundhouse kick and knocked it down swiftly. David Mitchell followed him in. The front room was a mess – the sofa was flipped over and the table sawn in half. The chandelier hung crooked and then fell with an almighty smash as the wire holding it up burnt through, narrowing avoiding Kid Rock's head, but scraping him down his mighty torso, drawing blood. They couldn't see much at first in there, but moved around slowly looking under things and also for footprints which might reveal the identity of the mystery intruder and arsonist. Nothing in the front room... "you take the kitchen, I'll search the bedroom" said David Mitchell authoritatively and Kid Rock readily agreed. David Mitchell strode meaningfully into the kitchen and turned his neck one way and then the other hoping to catch a glimpse of something that would give away the subject of his search but this was fruitless and he found nothing at all. There was one thing he found though and he noticed it straight away. The arsonist had started the fire in here! He knew this because there was a box of matches on the table and a huge fire raging in the corner, enveloping the oven and fridge. Meanwhile upstairs there was one distinct clue: a copy of The Communist Manifesto lay under the bed. Judging by the way it was propped up against a shoe it looked to Kid Rock like it had been placed there intentionally, almost as if it was a calling card...

The lovers reconvened in the front garden after having found nothing else in the rest of the house. David Mitchell clutched the matches to his chest and Kid Rock was tossing The Communist Manifesto lightly up and down, turning it in his hands thoughtfully. "Who would leave a book such as this here, David Mitchell?" he thought aloud? "I don't know Kid Rock, but it tells us one thing..." replied David Mitchell, stroking his chin seductively, and with a barely perceptible movement of his left eyebrow he continued "he was an ardent Communist".

Kid Rock sat back and let out a long slow whistle. He didn't really know any out and out communists, so he was unsure where to start with this one. In fact, when it came to politics he was a little unsure where to begin at all – there were more important things to take into consideration in his life. David Mitchell however had appeared on enough primetime panel shows to know a little more about politics and rung his good friend and accomplice Ian Hislop to ask him whether or not he knew any Communists. Ian Hislop replied "David Mitchell, I'm not entirely sure why you ask, but there is someone I know who might be able to give you a lead. His name is Mark and he lives in Tennessee, I will give you his contact details."

They jumped into a Mazda over the back, falling perfectly into their seats: this time David Mitchell would drive. They wore immaculate tailored matching suits and sped on towards Tennessee. They stopped off on the way for dinner, which was steak and chips and then shared a Cornetto before continuing on their journey. What they didn't notice was the car following them; staying a safe distance not to be noticed but never quite losing track either. Hours later when they arrived at Mark's, who was expecting them they were too tired to explain straight away the purpose of their visit and retired to bed together, where there was only time for David Mitchell to give Kid Rock a quick blow job before they fell asleep arm in arm.


End file.
